Scraps of my Life

That was the question my Mother asked after I had loaded her and all her gear (oxygen, wheelchair, etc) into the car to go to a doctor’s appointment, today.

WOW, how do you answer a question like that?  Honestly, my initial reaction, though unvoiced, was "yes"…I would love to have my life back.  I would love to not have to scream to be heard.  I would love to not be woken up at 2 am because we have to "go home".  I would love not to throw my back out lifting wheelchairs and oxygen tanks in and out of my car.  I would love to have uninterrupted quiet time for myself.  I would love to only have to deal with all these responsibilities for a couple of weeks out of the year, like my siblings.

I’m sure I was letting the stresses of my day show a little more than I should, or maybe a lot more.  And, honestly, just dealing with Mom is very stressful.  Saturday morning, Mom woke me up @ 5:30am and she was incredibly angry at me, shaking her fist kind of angry.  She claimed that I was lying to her, about what I have no idea.  And she proceeded to come in ever 15 minutes and repeat these claims.  After about an hour of this, I had a migraine that wouldn’t quit!  The sad thing is that this has become more the norm rather than the exception. 

Last night Mom woke me up at 1:30am to tell me she needed help with her Oxygen…she was up and dressed for the day.  The fact that it was pitch dark in the house and outside was lost on her.  She thought it was 1:30 in the afternoon and she was up.  Once I got her Oxygen straightened out I suggested she go back to bed, but she wouldn’t.  She’s been up ever since, and extremely confused, very frustrated and just at her wits end.

I have one sibling, who really has no idea what a challenge caring for our Mom is, that actually suggested that I might take these stresses and frustrations out on my Mom, physically.   What she fails to realize is how much Mom takes out of me physically.  If anyone were to be titled "abused", I sincerely think that would fall to me, more than my Mom.

All in all, she is my Mom, I do love her, and I miss the "real" her.  I would never hurt her feelings intentionally, so the best way I can find to answer her question above is to change the subject and hope she forgets she asked.

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