I need to preface this story with a little background.  When David was younger, say 3-4, like most boys he was fascinated with all things that came out of the body.  Now, not at all! If the dogs slobber water while drinking, he won’t go near it because it’s been in their mouth. Likewise if there is an accident, like a dog with an upset stomach.  He would rather walk around the mess until someone else noticed it and cleaned it up than actually deign to possible come in physical contact with the aforementioned bodily excretion.

So fast forward to this morning. I was getting dressed for work and I hear, from the direction of David’s room…

“WAIT!!   WAIT!!  PUDDY!! NOOOO!!!” Ok…I go running at this point! Let me digress for a minute.  Puddy is our very crabby and crotchety tiger stripped cat.  He is David’s cat, but is not allowed in David’s room. So when David is anywhere else in the house, Puddy is usually sitting on him or following him around. This morning he had followed David into the bathroom and was sitting on the counter.

So I hear the “WAIT!!   WAIT!!  PUDDY!! NOOOO!!!” and go running to see what was the matter.  “He sat on my toothbrush!” David moaned. David wouldn’t even pick up the toothbrush to thrown it away. I round filed the tooth brush and had to scrounge up something he could brush with until I can pick him up a replacement tonight.  Needless to say, Puddy is no longer allowed in David’s bathroom!

So on the way, here, to the library. I stopped at the “C” store (C as in convenience or Cenex, can’t remember which), to get my morning Mocha. I park the car, get out, and head towards the door.  I notice that next to me is an out-of-state vehicle and assume it was a hunter’s vehicle.  I was right…I passed a guy in hunter garb and saw him get in the car. Then I passed another, older gentleman that had apparently bathed in Drakkar Noir this morning. As I took a second to recover from the toxic cloud of cologne, I notice that Mr. Drakkar got into the car with the hunter.  I did manage to hold it together until I got in the store, where upon I lost it to a fit of giggles.

BAMBI IS SAFE FOR TODAY…cuz he could smell that group of hunters from a mile off. Ahh…the joys and laughs of visiting hunters!

The premise is that these 2 chefs are trying to find the 20 worst cooks in the country to try and turn them around and have the best one each team prepare a meal that will convince a food critic it was made by the aforementioned chef.

So last night they had about 30 contestants and asked them to prepare a “signature dish” for the chefs to taste…OH MY GAWD…one gal made a soup that consisted of 5 cans of vegetable dumped into a pot and heated…she called it…..wait for it….Vegetable Soup!  Another gal created a combination of ground turkey and sweet potatoes and called it a meatloaf.  But the funniest had to be the lady that made a Peanut Butter Encrusted Cod Filet…I thought I was going to die…I didn’t think anyone could be that completely clueless about cooking.  If you get a chance, you should check it out…I don’t think you will be disappointed.

David asked why it was rated M. I explained that it was for a number of reasons and some of them were completely inappropriate for a 10 (almost 11) year old.  He asked if it was because of sex! So I asked him if he knew what sex was. “I think so” was his reply. So I asked what he thought it was…and he said:

“It’s when a man and a woman get naked and kiss and hug and do other disturbing things.”

As usual I lost it.  Once I recovered from my hysterical laughter, I told him that we would discuss it in greater detail when he was a little older, but in the meantime if he had questions I would prefer he ask me rather than some of his friends who may give him completely wrong information like my friends did when I was his age.

“Yeah, OK,” he said, “now can I get the game or not?”

“Oops, my butt cracked and air leaked out!”

Shortly there after I got a whiff of the air that leaked out…it was what another friend used to call a “silent giant”…EWWWW!!!

“What?”, I say.

“We are going to take the wheels off our skateboards and give snowboarding a try”.

I almost shot coke out my nose! Cameron was looking at me like he was serious.  I had to laugh and explain that snowboards and skateboards are completely different, but they remain convinced that this would be a legitimate alternative.

Get the ambulances ready!

Why is it so hard to solve a redneck murder?

The DNA is all the same and there aren’t any dental records.

I know, it’s twisted…much like me!!!

The Bible in a Nutshell

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.  Following is The Bible through the eyes of a child:

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.  The Bible says, “The Lord thy God is one,” but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God Said, “Give me a light!” and someone did.  Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.  Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.  Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exhange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, “Close the door! Were you born in a barn?” It would be nice to say, “As a matter fact, I was.”)

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had twelve opossums. the worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

Cameron and David have been my paid “employees” today.  I’ve been packing boxes and they’ve been schlepping them to the garage.  I’ve even instituted a fee for squabbling.  They only squabbled once so I deducted $5 from each boys wages!  That put an end to the squabbling!  Since they worked so hard I ok’d Cameron spending the night at our house…but before we went to Grandma’s to get his pj’s, toothbrush, etc., I took them out to dinner.

While at dinner, David brought his little hand-held 20 Questions game to pass the time.  We took turns answering and guessing while we waited.  It continued on the ride over to Grandma’s house. Once we got Cameron’s stuff we headed back to my house.  On the way back to the house, Billy Squire came on the radio…can you guess which song? Yep, “The Stroke”.  You know what “The Stroke” is about don’t you?  It’s exactly what it sounds like!  So this inspires Cameron to see if the “20 Questions” game will come up with the “right” answer.

1. Is it Animal, Vegetable, Mineral, or other? Hmm, other
2. Do you hold it when you use it? Uh…yeah
   
3. Is it used in travel? I hope so! LOL
   
4. Does it come in a box? Only on Saturday Night Live
   
5. Would you give it as a gift? Only once!
   
6. Would you find it in an office? I hope so
   
7. Can you enjoy it? I think the overwhelming concensus on this is yes!
   
8. Do you use it in your home? See above!
9. Does it contain a liquid?  LOL
   
10. Can it be washed? It better be!
    
11. Do you clean it regularily? God, I hope so
    
12. Is it soft? SOMETIMES
    
13. Is it something you can purchase? Are we talking the real thing or a reasonable facsimile
    
14. Can you smell it? I suppose if you really want to
    
15. Is it straight? Once again, I hope so?
    
16. Does it go inside other things? (OK this is where Cameron totally lost it!!!) ‘Nuff said
    
17. Can it fit in an envelope? Can you imagine a paper cut there?
    
18. Is it heavier than a pound of butter? Only if you are John Holmes
    
19. Can you put something into it? Only trained professionals!
    
20. Is it used in a sport? I’m afraid to think what kind of sport it would be used in!
    

The game comes back with “Is it a muscle?”  Hmmmm?  I don’t know if that is classified as a muscle or not? I can’t stop laughing long enough to continue! ROFL

Oh the minds of 14 year old boys!  The scary part is my mind is right there with him. ROFL

I’ve been on the run since I woke up this morning.  I had intended to get the laundry done today.  I got it started, but only got one load completely wash, dried, folded and put away.

Just a bit ago I was completely finished with one load, there was another load drying, and a third load washing.  So I decided to do the dishes quick, while David nagged at me about taking the PS2 upstairs and playing a few games with him.  I asked him to hold on while I washed the dishes.  While putting the last of the food away I cracked open my last beer.  I’ve been sneak drinking it…the lengths I go to sometimes!!!
So it was finally time to check the dryer now that the dishes were done. I set my beer on the dryer and though I hadn’t heard the dryer buzzer, I discovered that the clothes were dry.  I shifted the dry stuff to the basket, the wet to the dryer and turned the water on  start the next load.  Now here’s where the not paying attention part comes in…I grabbed the beer and poured it into the washer rather than the detergent.  Now this takes some obvious skill when you consider how differently they look…as evidenced above!

I would have expected to do something like that after having 2 or 3 beers…not after 2 swigs out of the first one!  I guess that just shows how scatter-brained I am today.  And to answer your question…I just left the beer in the water and added detergent.  It was a load of dark clothes and that little bit of beer wouldn’t have effected the clothes in any way, I figure. LOL…but then I’ve been wrong before!

AND HOW WAS YOUR DAY???