Got an anonymous letter in the mail! All about the dangers of porn and the pubescent male. LOVELY!  I know we all love to live in the state of “Ignorance is Bliss”, but I asked anyway. Yes, he says, he has viewed porn.  GREAT! So then we start that whole discussion, in a frank, non-accusatory manner. So not what I was planning to do today…but rather than shirk my parental duties, I waded into the fray.

Don’t get me wrong…I’m not prude (IN ANY WAY), like I told David.  What 2 consenting adults want to do is fine with me as long as it doesn’t infringe on me or my rights.  Getting carried away at the movies because it’s cheaper than a hotel room ain’t cool with me!  But the keyword in that phrase was “adult”, ie., over 18.

Seeing as David has a tendency to be a bit on the obsessive side, I’m glad he fessed up and willing gave up his access to the internet. He’s a good kids with healthy male hormones coursing through his body…UGH!

**Edited to add: A Thank You to the anonymous sender. The note was an “in” on a discussion that obviously needed to happen and it came at a good time for that discussion to happen.

I stood in the shower, this morning, marveling at where the time had gone.  At the time we got married, I was working for a 900# company.  Nooo, I wasn’t the voice on the other end of the phone trying to keep you on the line at $3.95 a minute. I was a client relations liason between the client who wanted the 900# and the programers who set them up. Learned a lot about the FCC at that time!

Shortly after our wedding I was laid off, but found work with a company that became AT&T Wireless Services. 12 years later, they laid me off too. But in the meantime, we had a son, lost my Dad, and discovered my Mom had Alzheimers. So we moved in to care for her. If there was ever a time I didn’t think Brian and I wouldn’t make it, that was it. Very thankfully, we came out of that very dark tunnel, stronger. Now we live a pretty quiet life in North Dakota…after the years in Vegas, it’s a welcome quiet.

I guess that’s why it’s so hard to believe 20 years has passed so fast.  You really only remember the highs and the lows…all the “every day” minutiae kind of blends into the background.

I can say that while we still have our challenges, we are stronger and more committed to each other today than we were 20 years ago. And that, my friends, is a very good thing!

To Brian, I love you more today, than I did 20 years ago. You are a wonderful life partner, friend, and father. We make a pretty good team. I’ll love you always! ~Me

I need to preface this story with a little background.  When David was younger, say 3-4, like most boys he was fascinated with all things that came out of the body.  Now, not at all! If the dogs slobber water while drinking, he won’t go near it because it’s been in their mouth. Likewise if there is an accident, like a dog with an upset stomach.  He would rather walk around the mess until someone else noticed it and cleaned it up than actually deign to possible come in physical contact with the aforementioned bodily excretion.

So fast forward to this morning. I was getting dressed for work and I hear, from the direction of David’s room…

“WAIT!!   WAIT!!  PUDDY!! NOOOO!!!” Ok…I go running at this point! Let me digress for a minute.  Puddy is our very crabby and crotchety tiger stripped cat.  He is David’s cat, but is not allowed in David’s room. So when David is anywhere else in the house, Puddy is usually sitting on him or following him around. This morning he had followed David into the bathroom and was sitting on the counter.

So I hear the “WAIT!!   WAIT!!  PUDDY!! NOOOO!!!” and go running to see what was the matter.  “He sat on my toothbrush!” David moaned. David wouldn’t even pick up the toothbrush to thrown it away. I round filed the tooth brush and had to scrounge up something he could brush with until I can pick him up a replacement tonight.  Needless to say, Puddy is no longer allowed in David’s bathroom!

I only stepped away long enough to grab the rest of the towels to put away. But you can see what I found upon my return. Ludwig! That cat is faster than greased lightning…and nosier than any three old biddies combined. I’ve learned to never leave a cupboard or closet door open because Ludwig will find his way in there.  Even when those cupboards are over 5 feet off the ground.

I love this cat! I rescued him here in town…the nosy little bug got himself locked in the courthouse over the 4 day Thanksgiving break in 2010…no food or water.  He was brought to City Hall to see if he belonged to anyone.  Lots of people called in and shared he was a stray they’d seen around town since Summer. So I took him home. And he’s been my shadow ever since.

During my physical on Monday the doc asked me if I ever wake up in the middle of the night with a heaviness in the chest or a hard time breathing? I asked if a 10 pound cat counted. Ludwig can not get close enough. He sleeps on me…I’ve actually woken up from nightmares where I was suffocating to discover Ludwig was lying on my face! And yes, I have coughed up the occasional hairball, thanks to Luddy. But life is definitely richer with the little orange cat in our lives!

Andrew isn’t the first of my nephews, but he is the one I’ve probably spent the most time with. I was 13 when he was born and we, Mom, Porter and I, watched him, a lot, while his folks worked, in fact, until I was 16 he was my main source of income. He was such a cute little bugger! People often remarked on how adorable he was! He even did a Fisher Price print ad at one point. But the story I shared with my son was a cautionary tale that involved my little brother.

One summer while I was watching Andy, Porter suggested we walk up to the drug store. I think the purpose was to get an ice cream cone but we loved to walk around and see what they had. Anyway, Porter offered to take Andy while I wandered. I think I was 15, Porter would have been 13 and Andy was about 2.

As I am wandering through Sav-on, I hear this little voice say, “Hey Baaaaaby” from a couple of aisles over. I know it’s Andy’s voice so I decide to spy. After a while of following Porter and Andy I see them pass an attractive female and Andy says the “Hey Baaaaaby” again. The lady then goes on about how adorable Andy is and was a nice guy Porter is for babysitting, etc. After the woman left, I walk up to Porter to ask what that was all about and he explains that when he sees a pretty girl he taps Andy and Andy has been trained to say the whole Hey Baby when Porter taps on him.

I couldn’t believe my little brother was using our baby nephew to try and pick up girls. Porter probably doesn’t remember it, and I doubt Andrew does, but I remember it like it was yesterday! I’ve been laughing at that story for decades, and now so can you!

After I got my plate made, I started towards the bedroom. Brian asked where I was going and I told him that there was no way I would be able to eat dinner while David was watching “Billy the Exterminator”! So I ate in the bedroom and Brian came in after he finished dinner and crawled up on the bed with me. He snuggled real close and we talked.

That’s the difference with us…when we are in the living room or else where the discussion is just on the surface.  But when we are snuggled close the talk is deeper, even if we are laughing, it’s on a deeper level. We snuggled and talked for hours. Cats came and tried to get between us. Then the dogs tried. And finally David tried and all he could do was be on one side or the other while we all talked or laughed.

Later Brian said, “I should really get up and go take a shower, but I’m just too comfy and cozy snuggled up with you.” and I felt the same. That, folks, is intimacy…it’s not about the sex, it’s about bearing your soul to the person you love most in this world and having that love and vulnerability reciprocated. Finally Bri did go take his shower and we got under the covers and snuggled some more. As he drifted off to sleep, I kissed him and thanked him. “For what?”, he said.

“For a wonderful evening.”

Every month, as the librarian, I contribute a short article for an insert that goes into our weekly newspaper. The gal who organizes and puts together that insert is named Deb.  Usually when Deb sends me the reminder email, I drop what I am doing to get it done lest I forget.  However, the email for the February article came really early in January (1/11) and wasn’t actually due back to Deb until Monday (1/23)…since I had a lot going on when the email came I left it in my inbox thinking I would work on it my next day in the Library.  Guess what…I forgot.

So Tuesday, I got a couple of voicemails from Deb asking if I’d sent my article cuz if I had, she couldn’t find it.

Tuesday was one of those days that felt like a Monday…everything I touched was turning to shit!  And I had expressed to a couple of people earlier in the morning that I needed to have my head extricated from my ass and get it together.

I called Deb back apologizing, telling her I’d head into the library, write my article and get it to her within a half hour. I also informed her that I’d made an appointment with a surgeon to have a “Rectal-Cranial Inversion” so I could get my shit together and be on the ball.

After I emailed Deb my article, the following exchange took place via email:

Deb:  thanks Pam,   The very best of luck with your surgical procedure.  Deb

Me:  Thank you…thankfully it’s an outpatient procedure with local anesthetic

Deb: It must be a groundbreaking procedure because although I’ve been afflicted with the disease many times, no one has ever suggested this solution.

Me: Ya…it’s quick and easy…just in and out!

Deb: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Out loud!!!!

Ok I’m going back to work. Have a better day!

So today I am back in the library, working away, when in comes a delivery (see pic above) with a note that says

     “Best Wishes on Your Rectal-Cranial Inversion Surgery”

I knew exactly who it was from! I laughed so hard I think I piddled in my pants a little bit and had to share my reaction!  Oh My God…Deb, I so owe ya one!

When David got in the car I told him “They Killed Kenny! The Bastards!” …he laughed! So I told him the story of South Park.

It all started when a Fox Exec contact Trey Parker and Matt Stone to do a video Christmas Card for the Exec to send out.  That 5 minute video, while terribly offensive to anyone and everyone, went nuts!  This was back in 1995 before you tube. Porter’s girlfriend at the time, was in animation and was able to get a copy and bring it to Christmas the year after South Park debuted on Comedy Central in 1997.

I have to say it was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen.  And to picture someone in Hollywood, sending that out to associates was, in my mind, pretty ballsy!

So in honor of Wendy, I give you “The Spirit of Christmas” South Park style:

It finally hit me last night.  I am always really emotional around this time of year. My birthday is coming up…it shares the day Kennedy was asassinated…Oh, there is a happy birthday image for you! Seeing a bullet go through a Presidents head!  And may I say, that is the only thing I ever seem to hear about on that particular day! UGH! While Kennedy plays a part in my late-November blues…it is not the biggest part!

My blues center more around Thanksgiving…I hate the food! My Dad’s all-time favorite meal was Thanksgiving dinner and it seemed like we ate that dinner for every holiday and whenever turkey was on sale, or whenever my Dad was hungry for turkey.

But what finally hit me last night, while in the middle of an “ugly cry”, was that what I hated most was the dysfunction of my family…and nowhere was it more apparent than during Thanksgiving. You see, my Mom had a drinking problem. It was like one of those CareUnit commercials where an elephant walked through a family home and everyone did what they could to pretend it wasn’t there. My Dad was a classic enabler and would get crabby and depressed whenever the family was coming over…My brother thinks my Dad was clinically depressed and in retrospect I have to agree! But one Thanksgiving in particular was especially horrendous. My Mom ended up at the emergency room with the back of her head cut open requiring stitches to close it…and it was a direct result of something I did. I remember wishing I was dead…ahhh teen angst!

It dawned on me that was just bubbling under the surface causing apprehension…waiting for some big drama to occur. Hell, I probably have caused drama, in a self-fulfilling prophecy, kind of way in the past as a result.  What is it “they” say…the first step to solving a problem is acknowledging that you have one?

Hi, my name is Pam, and I come from a dysfunctional family and Thanksgiving is a very hard time of year for me.